Fifty Shades of F***ing Grey

 This is a poem I shared on FaceBook the day after the Fifty Shades of Grey release. I've tweaked a couple of the lines since it was originally shared. I'll mention also that it contains some adult language and probably won't be enjoyed by the easily offended..  

Fifty Shades of Fucking Grey
With sex scenes that have made me say
That I just want to run away 
From poorly written turgid prose
As sexy as old septic toes
Arousing as a dripping nose.
It’s the arguments that “It’s abuse,”
That make me want to wear a noose
And hang there ‘til my bowels fall loose.
It seems so many overlook
The fact that it’s a fucking book
And so they spout this gobbledygook
And all I hear both night and day
Across the fucking Milky Way
Is Fifty Shades of fucking Grey.
It’s just a motherfucking story
As truthful as your average Tory
Rich in undeservéd glory
Girl meets Guy hung like Big Ben
He’s into BDS&M
She tries. She stops. She tries again.
And so the boring story goes
With aforementioned turgid prose
It sucks a lot. And sometimes blows.
And still it seems there’s no escape
From those who leave me stood agape
Whilst they claim it’s promoting rape.
And they say we should ban this flick
But isn't that a Nazi trick?
Or are these fuckwits all that thick?.
They're like the twats who think it’s news
To claim that there’s shitloads of queues
Of kinky folk at B&Qs.
They fill those papers we despise
With tales that we all know are lies
Of bondage babes buying cable ties.
It’s Fifty Shades of Fucking Grey
A film as hot as chilled sorbet
About which I will never say
“Hey, let’s watch this one for a bit,”
I despised the book – a pile of shit
I wish there was an end of it.
But everywhere I turn today
Someone else has had their say
On Fifty Shades of Fucking Grey.

Ashley Lister