If

This is a poem I shared at the most recent Pub Poets gathering. Whilst I admit, it's not what most people would call family-friendly, I'm pleased with the way it works without being gratuitously offensive. 

IF 

If family members call you coffin dodger

If you can’t see to read without your specs

If loved ones fondly call you an old codger

If you’d rather read a book than have rough sex.

If everything you drink’s decaffeinated

The coffees, cokes and cups of Earl Grey teas

If you’ve spent the last decade constipated

And still can’t pooh without suppositories

If the clothes you’re wearing once came back in fashion

If you own a set of linen handkerchiefs

If you need blue pills to raise a night of passion

And if that passion makes you fearful for your knees.

If policemen look years younger than your son

If your pubic hair’s turned 50 Shades of Grey

If watching Countdown sounds, to you, like fun.

If you once tugged off to thoughts of Doris Day

If you nod agreement with the Daily Mail

If everyone seems in a chuffing hurry

If you get excited for the Argos sale

If you fancy getting off with Mary Berry

If you make new friends whilst standing in a queue

If there’s more hair in your ears than on your head

You’ve reached an age where you simply have to

Be cheerful cos at least you’re not yet dead.

Ashley Lister