Spam Invites

Thursday, 18 September 2014

I happen to be lucky in love. I know this because I keep receiving emails like this one:

Hello my friend Jaydon
My ideal partner is a tender and careful man. A man who has found himself and can undertake responsibility for the future family.
I am cheerful, optimistic and caring person I like traveling and sightseeing.  If you like to have fun and have a good heart, you are welcome into my world!
See you later
Jackie

Admittedly there are a few problems with this potential relationship. Jackie seems to think my name is Jaydon. She seems unaware that I’m married. And her grasp of English is not as strong as I prefer in my unsolicited matrimonial requests.

I’m also not sure that I’m the right man for Jackie. I don’t think of myself as a ‘man who has found himself and undertake responsibility for the future family.’ I’m not wholly sure what that means but I do know that few people accuse me of being responsible (unless they’re using the phrase to apportion blame).

I also think we’re likely to be incompatible in some ways. She is cheerful and optimistic. I’m miserable and pessimistic. Perhaps it’s time for me to consider the second of today’s spam-invites?
 
Hi
I am decent and honest, kind and reliable. I am respectful to others and I always keep my word. I love reading and having rest in the nature.
Traveling is one of my favorite things to do. My man has to be open and hard-working. I want to be cherished by my beloved husband.
Au revoir,
Ulrike

Ulrike sounds like a lovely lady. She’s decent and honest, kind and reliable. These are four of the five the key things I look for in a woman – the fifth is a pulse. OK, she always keeps her word and I lie like a politician in the run up to an election – but the

y do say opposites attract so maybe she’ll find my prevarication to be an amusing personality quirk.

But I do worry that she might be a little more domineering than my delicate sensibilities can handle. Notice how she starts that penultimate sentence with ‘My man’. Does that strike you as a possessive way of describing someone? And is she saying I have to be open and hard-working? I enjoy being closed and obscenely lazy.

I’m also not comfortable with the ‘au revoir’ line. It’s a bit too French for my Francophobe tastes.

However, even though neither of these two likely ladies are going to work as potential paramours, I’m confident that tomorrow’s batch of spam invites will hopefully throw open another prospect to be lucky in love with one of these curious correspondents.


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